yeah this is my life.....

I am so on edge today and I have no reason to be or know why I am.

Just not feeling all that great. Life has been a see-saw as of late many ups and downs.

but I am trying to be positive about things. My kids are driving me nuts, my poor mom I know how she felt now. I try so hard to do the write things, have been being good and staying home, not drinking but thats about to take its toll on my brain, I need to be numb. this shit sucks.

OMG

i have never ever been so scared, Leo got out the back door and went a whole city block b/f we discovered he was missing, I cried so hard, all i could think of is what if something terrible happened to him, he can't talk omg it terrifies me endless. my older son left the back door open and leo took out on his adventure, I really need to get one of those medical bracelets with his medical condition .

its taken forever for me to update my blog

I lost my husband and the pain is more than I ever thought i could bare, I have made some aweful

mistakes since his death, but I am learning and healing. I miss him so much, i find my self just sitting looking out the window crying for hours on end,because i want to touch him tell him i love him hold him. its very painful to type everything I went thru as he passed but I believe in my heart I done everything he wished to happen. I have 3 of his boys that will carry there Fathers name and memory forever, i LOOK INTO THEIR eyes and I see him, he lives thru them and thru me and his family. HE must never ever be forgotten, I will remember him forever, I am not saying that I wont be human, but I know the love we shared was real,we may have clashes like the Titans BUT I know his love was real and true and deep. I miss him, and sometimes I wish I could just go be with him, but I can't I have to continue to live for my children...But its so hard when love is taken from you. I tried to replace it and it wasn't real, it was an infatuation, a loneliness I tried so hard to fill, but I am telling you that void can not be filled, the pain and the aching are so full that you feel like your gonna explode. I am trying to deal with this all in my own way and truthfully its not going so good. I love him and want him back but nothing can bring him back to me, he is gone and i am all alone with out him i must learn to face the darkness alone.

IN memory of my LOVE MICHAEL EDWARD WALKER

Audioslave - Like A Stone